A faithless belief

That sounds like a lifeless belief. In some terms that’s where I am. I do believe. But I don’t seem to have any faith whatsoever.

Faith and belief are often synonymous but at the moment, for me they are different. Deep down I believe in Jesus and his death and resurrection. But I don’t seem to live each day as though I do. Here I consider faith as a daily living out of belief. I have no idea how God works in the world. Some people get healed, some do not. Overall injustice prevails and occasionally some people get what they deserve. Some people ‘miraculously’ get what they pray for, while others have ground out their knees in desperation.

So I’m not sure how to go about praying or even hoping. For some Christians everything is simple. You pray, God answers and sometimes the answer is no. For others it’s a bit more complex in how God works in the world. For me at the moment I’m quite fed up in why I’m expected to expect certain things and understand other things, performing a stunning array of emotional and mental acrobatics to keep up the delusion of sanity.

So I continue my faithless belief, that Jesus somehow is making all things new and somehow we’ll all end up happy at some point. Of course there are some who believe that I’ll end up in eternal torment. Fine. Believe what you will. I hope you feel better for it.

I feel marginally authentic for having the truth of not knowing rather than the delusion of knowing. Marginally.

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