Passion, indifference, self pity, joy, relief, tension, tears, numbness, liveliness, crushed.
These were some of the emotions I went through on the extreme over the last few days. The event a symposium on worship. I’d volunteered and ended up doing PA.
I heard many great things from people like Graham Kendrick, Joel Edwards (director of the Evangelical Alliance), Mark Eary and Jonny Baker. And later went to a workshop by Jeremy Begbie. Loved it.
Joel Edwards said he was ‘…bored’ with the worship in churches. And he wondered if God was bored as well.
Graham Kendrick spoke about the genesis of the modern worship music movement and how it’s grown and where it’s come to and the huge challenges it faces and that it throws up.
Mark Eary was great. really loved what he said about technology and liturgy.
Jonny Baker spoke passionately (very understated-ly) about worship, the future, and ‘community is content’.
It was very interesting to see from my perspective that the 2 leaders from the charismatic renewal movement (Graham and Joel) seemed a bit tired and on the search for something new while the Anglicans (Mark and Jonny) were pointing the way forward. I’m biased.
But the whole event turned me inside out. I was hearing all these wonderful and beautiful things but it felt like all that I heard within me fell on no man’s land. I carried only the immediate intellectual joy of hearing what I heard. My soul felt and feels dead to recieve such things.
For the first time I didn’t even try to engage with the worship. As a critical person I had nothing to complain about the spirit or the execution of the services. But I was too tired. Too tired to engage. It was freeing. And frightening. Am I rejecting faith itself?
It is a black hole now. There is nothing for me to do. All my God given gifts seem rusted and unworkable. ‘Nothing’ and ‘I don’t know’ seems to be the only words that I can truly say.
What do you do?
What do you want to do?
I don’t know.
Maybe this is the horrible point of dying. Maybe this is reboot time. But will anything run… or load?