Deep calls to deep

Passion, indifference, self pity, joy, relief, tension, tears, numbness, liveliness, crushed.

These were some of the emotions I went through on the extreme over the last few days. The event a symposium on worship. I’d volunteered and ended up doing PA.

I heard many great things from people like Graham Kendrick, Joel Edwards (director of the Evangelical Alliance), Mark Eary and Jonny Baker. And later went to a workshop by Jeremy Begbie. Loved it.

Joel Edwards said he was ‘…bored’ with the worship in churches. And he wondered if God was bored as well.

Graham Kendrick spoke about the genesis of the modern worship music movement and how it’s grown and where it’s come to and the huge challenges it faces and that it throws up.

Mark Eary was great. really loved what he said about technology and liturgy.

Jonny Baker spoke passionately (very understated-ly) about worship, the future, and ‘community is content’.

It was very interesting to see from my perspective that the 2 leaders from the charismatic renewal movement (Graham and Joel) seemed a bit tired and on the search for something new while the Anglicans (Mark and Jonny) were pointing the way forward. I’m biased.

But the whole event turned me inside out. I was hearing all these wonderful and beautiful things but it felt like all that I heard within me fell on no man’s land. I carried only the immediate intellectual joy of hearing what I heard. My soul felt and feels dead to recieve such things.

For the first time I didn’t even try to engage with the worship. As a critical person I had nothing to complain about the spirit or the execution of the services. But I was too tired. Too tired to engage. It was freeing. And frightening. Am I rejecting faith itself?

It is a black hole now. There is nothing for me to do. All my God given gifts seem rusted and unworkable. ‘Nothing’ and ‘I don’t know’ seems to be the only words that I can truly say.

What do you do?


What do you want to do?

I don’t know.

Maybe this is the horrible point of dying. Maybe this is reboot time. But will anything run… or load?

8 thoughts on “Deep calls to deep”

  1. Sunil,

    what you are feeling is not an end point but a place to start from, a place to think afresh. What you heard will always fall quietly because it is not rooted in action, i feel that if you find your action you will find the freshness. The last few months will have taken a huge adjustment maybe you are trying to process too much at the same time. It’d be good to see you and Luiza and the Family, can we sort out a time for you guys to come over for dinner, where are you living

  2. What is it that’s hollow about modern worship? What would Jesus say? “Woe to the worship leaders, for they like to be seen on stage, and woe to the congregation, for they like to be seen with their hands aloft. But go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father who is unseen.” Is that too harsh? Modern worship has become an public activity instead of a private meditation. I believe Jesus was fundamentally against the temple worship. I’m out.

  3. Exactly what I’m going through. But I’m learning to focus on Him and give Him joy. I guess that’s a divine principle.

    When Abba lost all of mankind, He gave His Son, and He’s been reaping the harvest of it all these years.

  4. Firstly, I’m very happy to say I love you very much, and although its painful to read of your pain, I want to stand with you whatever is going on, and celebrate your honesty.

    I can’t think of anything to say which doesn’t sound trite, but I trust God for you, and I do believe you will find healing and fresh starts. Looking forward to you guys coming up – you are always welcome. I think part of what you are missing is genuine community, and I hope you can get a bit of that with us.

    I hear ‘God on mute’ by Pete Greig is a fairly honest, no-easy-xian-answers kind of book which might help. In the middle of him being a leader of 24-7 his wife got brain cancer. Need to get hold of it myself.

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